I used to choose distraction over pain

My worst moments happened years before the devastation I wreaked on myself. Held in place by trauma, I harmed myself physically, as well as with alcohol, and at least earlier on with drugs.

I used romantic relationships as a tool to keep myself steady, if I was loved by someone else, I didn’t have to love myself. I was comfortably numb, but ultimately leaving the people I was close to feeling alone, feeling unwanted, feeling unloved.

I didn’t understand this for the longest time. Then in 2019 when my last relationship ended, I sat after…